


This is actual horrible garbage trash don't read save yourself hahahaha

by DoubleTrouble007



Series: Mary Sueing it up, y'all [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Gen, I really shouldn't post this, Mary Sue, Self Insert, Vampires, What the actual fuck, but I need to feel some sort of accomplishhhmeenntt, omg, twilight - Freeform, twilight sparkles, you really shouldn't read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 16:31:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10948380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubleTrouble007/pseuds/DoubleTrouble007
Summary: What happens when everything happens???....this.Or, when the drug-like nightmare where Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov finally ask me to marry them!!!11213!!!





	This is actual horrible garbage trash don't read save yourself hahahaha

Warning: I don't even know. I haven't even read through this. I just wanted to post something between the actual writing I should be doing hahaha

\---

 

I love you, Eli.” My mouth fell open as I looked over at Viktor, blinking in confusion.

“Um.”

“You’re the only one for us.” Yuuri appeared next to Viktor’s side, welcoming me towards them with an outstretched hand.

Squinting at the two, I briefly considered the idea that English was failing me, except I’m the only native English speaker here. Did they not understand what they were saying? That must be it.

“That’s very nice, but ‘love’ is a really strong word and you shouldn’t use it so-.”

“No, Eli,” Viktor interrupted me, wrapping an arm around Yuuri to pull him closer as they both approached me, Yuri’s hand still out for me to take. I didn’t. 

“We have talked this over and decided we can’t live without you. We love each other just as much as we love you.” I tried to speak, to say something, but there were no words for this, and my mouth was dry. My eyes flitted around, trying to find cameras for the obvious prank. 

“Eli, please say you’ll marry us?” Your asked, gold glinting from his right hand. Viktor had a similar ring, both on his finger and held out in his hand, to me. 

“Wha-wha, um, you guys haven’t even confessed your love for each other yet!!” I almost yelled, the upheaval in the line of events set to happen in the story too much for me. “Just yesterday you guys were still too shy to even talk about past relationships!”

It had been funny at the time, Yuuri still giving Viktor the ‘no comment’, but Viktor, despite being so open in the second episode at the beginning of their training, turned deep red and sealed his lips when the conversation turned to his own Ex’s. Mari had plenty of fun teasing him about that. As did I. 

So just what the fuck was going on here??

“Last night we talked it over…” Yuuri started, looking up so that he and Viktor were staring right into each other’s eyes, like some two love sick freaks. It was both beautiful and disturbing, my inner fangirl crying enough to fill an ocean while the reality of the current situation threw me the fuck off. 

“And eloped last night!” Their rings seemed to glow brighter, if that was possible. 

“Of course, without you, we would’ve never met-.”

“Er, actually-.”

“-So we just can’t imagine not marrying you as well,” Viktor told me, nodding as it made all the sense in the world, shiny golden ring still outstretched towards me.

“What’s wrong, Eli, don’t you want to join us?” Yuuri asked, a look of anxiety flashing as I took a step back.

“Um, well, I mean, it’s just so sudden!” And _way_ too OOC! This wasn’t supposed to happen! I mean, I’d do anything for these guys, but… marriage? I was only 22! Although that’s the same age my grandma married and had a kid at… right, I guess I’m kind of old at this point. 

Viktor was frowning now as well, his arm going slack, slowly drifting down as I began to panic. No! They looked so sad! And it was because of me!! How could I do this to the best boysTM??

“U-uh, okay! Fine, I’ll marry you guys!” Grins spread across their faces in tandem before the pounced on me, engulfing me with a hug that would probably be the happiest moment of my life if I actually understood what was happening. Was this even legal in Japan? I mean, I haven’t seen any homophobia in this world, but polygamy? Wait, fuck, was I actually going to marry them????????

????

??

“Hey shit-face, do you accept Yuuri Katsudon and Viktor Niki-fuck it as your husbands?” Yurio, the ever charming tiger, suddenly appeared, wearing a priest outfit. Or at least, a version of one, with tiger print on it a probably unholy amount of times.

“U-uh, Yurio?”

“That’s not my name!”

“That’s not a yes…” Viktor and Yuuri were looking at me again, frowns forming with puppy eyes pleading with me, arms still wrapped around me. Honestly, I probably would’ve fallen if they weren’t at this point.

“Uhhhh, yes?” Both Yuuri and Viktor squeezed me tight, pressing a kiss on both of my cheeks while Viktor slipped the ring on. It was heavier than it looked. My brain also short-circuited from their kisses.

“Congrats, you’re married,” Yurio said, rolling his eyes as he tossed the bible he had been holding over his shoulder and walking away, leaving me alone with the two men that were probably drunk or something. They were still wearing clothes after all- oh wait, no they weren’t.

“Is this better than Chihoko, Yuuri??!” Viktor was stretching, without a stitch on him. I bit my lip to keep screaming. Who the fuck was Chihoko??

“Who the fuck is Chihoko?!” Yuuri replied, stripping off his own clothes as if to join Viktor. Hiroko bounced into the room to briefly set down some more alcohol, laughing as she saw the sight of her two sons. 

“H-Hiroko, what’s going on?? Yuuri and Viktor are acting super weird and made me wear this ring-!” Hiroko lit up at the sight of said ring, pulling me in for a bone crushing hug.

“I have another daughter! I have so many children, now!” She said, almost singing in happiness. I, being shocked into compliance, just kind of patted her back. Did someone spike the water? Was I on drugs right now, as well?

“Congratulations! My best friend got married twice!” I swung around, out of Hiroko’s grasp, to that voice, finding the flash of a phone camera greeting me.

“Phi-chit!” Yuuri called out from whatever weird stretching competition he and Viktor were still holding.

“W-when- how-what?” I tried to ask something, anything, to explain this situation, but Phichit simply grinned and shoulder hugged me as he took a selfie of us together before heading off to live stream Yuuri and Viktor’s naked stretch off.

“Okay… I… Okay.” I sat down, right where I stood, trying to take deep breaths. Everything that was happening was beyond a reasonable explanation, reminding me of how lost I felt when I first came to this world. But compared to this… nonsense, even being thrown into a new reality made more sense than this. 

I lifted my right hand up, eyes focusing on the golden band that was now glittering on my finger, wondering when they took my ring size. Was Yurio an officially ordained priest? Would this marriage hold up in my reality?

…Could I leave this reality after what shit those two had started? 

"Eliii, c’mon, join us,” Viktor’s voice purred into my ear, causing me to jump straight up at least a foot or two. He laughed. I turned out to chasten him, but got a full view of, well, everything instead. Oh right. 

My face was redder than a tomato.

“Haha, check this out! hey, Harry, her face is redder than a tomato!” I looked up to see none other than Harry Potter, naked save for some broken glasses, looking over and laughing at my face. 

“W-what?? Harry’s a wizard, what is-.”

“We’re all wizards, remember, Eli??” Viktor said, pulling a wand out of who knows where. And given that he didn’t even have underwear on, I really, really didn’t want to know where.

“Ugh, Viktor, Eli,” Yuuri called out to us, his voice in pain. I almost gave myself whiplash looking over, wondering if whatever drugs I was clearly on had stopped affecting him or- _oh my god_. 

“Yuuri! You have to be careful about the baby!” Viktor ran over to Yuuri’s side, helping Yuuri up with a careful hand running over his swollen stomach. I was very close to screaming.

“Yuuri… Yuuri’s…. Preg… Pre…” The words tripped over themselves as I tried to display some level of coherence at this madness, my endless blinking not making anything better.

“Yeah! Just like me, and Malfoy,” Viktor cheerfully told me, his own stomach slightly swollen as I looked at where his hand was patting himself. The nakedness didn’t even bother me at this point.

Wait, _Malfoy_ -??

“Potter,” Draco said with his usual disdain, despite leaning against Harry with his own swollen stomach. I reached up and felt tears on my face. What the fuck. What the actual fuckity fuck.

“Everybody down!” It was Otabek, jumping in front of the door to our party room, gun in hand and pointed around the room. I stayed where I was on the floor, wondering if standing up now would get me out of this mess.

“Beka, coming to crash the party?” Yurio was wearing some sort of horrific tiger striped suit with a fedora resting on his slicked back hair, jacket open to display his own holster with a gun.

“Yura, you know I’m a cop, and I have to do what’s right-.” They got into some sort of argument about justice and what it really meant before Yurio just straight up kissed Otabek, both of them stumbling out of the room shortly after.

“Ah, I hope there’s a guest room available for them. We’re pretty crowded as is.” I looked up to see none other than Twilight Sparkle shaking her mane at the boy’s antics. 

“You… you don’t even own this place,” I said, my voice only slightly squeaky in my accusation. 

“Of course I don’t, Eli,” Twilight said, giving me a quizzical stare. God, that was freaky to see on a cartoon-like unicorn thing in reality. It was like staring into the depths of hell. “You do. And we’re all married, so we all own it.”

“I-I do? ‘We’?” As I looked around the room, I started to see it. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was wearing a glittering golden ring on their right hand, or hoof, or whatever they had that was close enough to a meat paddle. There were even a few babies that looked like Yuuri and Viktor if they actually could have- oh wait, they were pregnant earlier. Was that legal? Could I marry babies?

“Yes, Eli,” All the beings in the room, some of them multiples of the same person- I caught at least three different Yuri’s, said. It was a chorus of voices, a unison that should never be heard.

“We love you, Eli. Don’t you love us?” God, even the babies were squeaking out that question in their underdeveloped baby voices.

“O-of course!” I said, sweating profusely as my eyes swept around the room, trying to make sure no one pulled out any more guns. “I, er, love you all!”

My voice definitely went up an octave as I said that, something so human and normal in light of this ridiculous situation that I couldn’t help but laugh, unable to stop as I thought of the absurdity of it all. The others soon joined me, our laughter mixing together and letting me think that maybe this whole shit fest wasn’t that bad, that even though there were now Edward Cullens and Bella Swan making out with some Tellatubbies in the corner, that it would be okay. 

 

Then we all had a giant orgy.

 

I woke up covered in cold sweat, breathing hard as my heart tried to escape my chest. The closet was still dark, but it was the closet, with my old futon and the soft sounds of Makkachin snoring in the room next door. 

Sliding a trembling hand through my hair, I got up, quietly opening the wooden door to check on Viktor. He was passed out, blankets thrown off him and revealing some of his naked torso. I had never been happier to see a six pack. 

Yurio was on the coach, rolled up in his blankets with a frown but certainly not the face of a Russian mafia. 

Unable to shake the queasy feeling that was following me under my skin, I decided a drink of water might help. Yuuri was in the kitchen, draining his own cup of water.

“O-oh, hey Yuuri,” I said, unable to face him, unable to forget the dream. 

“Hey Eli. Couldn’t sleep?”

“No…” I thanked him as he handed me a clean cup. “You?”

“Well, I was having this really, really weird dream, and when I woke up, I just… couldn’t go back to sleep.” 

My eyes shot over to Yuuri from the rim of glass, but he seemed to be less terrified than I was from my dream and more just… tired.

“Same,” I said, willing my heart to calm down. Of course we didn’t have the same dream. First of all, that was the craziest fucking dream I’ve ever had and secondly, no.

“It’s kind of fuzzy, but there was this part where V-Viktor and I were married, and we were trying to marry you and-.” Yuuri stopped as soon as my wide eyes met his, silence stretching between us as realization dawned. 

Without exchanging words, we quietly decided never to talk about it, only coughing as people woke up the next day explaining that they had the weirdest dream…


End file.
